Saai itna dijiye...(26-08-2006)

- Today was a really hard day. FYI I am undergoing my training and induction in ITC IBD and am based out of Gorakhpur, ‘UP’ presently. I don’t even know when will I be able to come ‘DOWN’ to Hyderabad, a city I had no love lost for till recently. But after spending the last one month in Uttar Pradesh, I am inclined to call it ‘good ol’Hyderabad.’

- I covered a distance of about 200 kms on a TVS bike, of course with me riding pillion. The roads of UP were anything but ‘mulayam’ and ya…a pain in the ass! What I really enjoyed most during the day was the shelter a small farmer offered us inside his tiny hut when suddenly lord Indra decided to be generous. The hut was bereft of any modicum of furniture; all it had was a small charpoy which yours truly occupied throughout his one hour stay there. And when finally we decided to hit the road and brave the rain, which had slowed down to a considerable extent, the weather was as pleasant as an Indian win over Pakistan in World Cup Cricket! I don’t think I would ever be able to describe this feeling of riding a bike at near full speed, with lush green fields lining both sides of the road and tiny droplets of water hitting your face creating an almost orgasmic pleasure for the soul! Aisa des hai mera…

- While in the hut I generally started chatting up with the farmer and joked that if it rained for long, he would even have to provide us food. The farmer, as simply as he could, said, ‘saabji, kisi Kisan ke ghar se apko aur kuch mile na mile, ap bhukhe kabhi nahi jaoge.” And as if to add enlightenment to admiration, he quoted Sant Kabir: “Saai itna dijiye jaame kutumb samay; main bhi bhukha na rahu sadhu bhi bhuka na jaye.” Maybe I am being too simplistic, but he summed up the whole purpose and meaning of life, didn’t he?

- While pillion-riding the bike back to Gorakhpur after covering ITC’s e-Choupals, a thought suddenly struck me. It may sound like reinventing the wheel as we must have all heard it somewhere. Here it goes, and I quote from Paulo Coelho’s Maktub:“Today would be a good day for doing something out of the ordinary. We could, for example, dance through the streets on our way to work. Look directly into the eyes of a stranger, and speak of love at first sight. Give the boss an idea that may seem ridiculous, an idea we've never mentioned before. We could phone someone we vowed never to speak to again (but from whom we would love to receive a message on the answering machine). Today could be considered a day outside the script that we write every morning. Today, any fault will be permitted and forgiven. Today is a day to enjoy life”

- Sounds pretty much doable right...So that’s what I decided to do when I talk with my mother at night. I decided to be the same Vivek who would come back from school, all glowing and cheerful, after having come first in his class. I tried it and the effect was visible-my mom forgot all about the design of furniture she was worried about since morning! Tell you what, Coelho rocks!

- One of the things I have noticed and observed in myself is that sometimes, when somebody is speaking to me, I am all ears but little attention to him/her. I may agree with somebody verbally, but my soul opposes me tooth and nail. Why then this dichotomy between what I say and what I do? It is this dichotomy which is at the root of the many ills facing me. Why am I afraid to be what I am? Why am I afraid to show my emotions, why am I afraid to laugh heartily and why am I afraid to cry? I think I should go back to being a kid once again. Crying is one of the first things that we learnt then and that put our hearts at ease. And the very next moment we started clapping and laughing because our mind was diverted toward some other toy which now gave us greater joy! I think being a child once again is what I want most right now.

- Talking of being a child, I hate being away from home. I want to go back home and still wake up groggy-eyed on a Sunday morning and find my mom fixing breakfast, my dad working away at the calculator, my elder brother reading two newspapers at a time and my younger brother watching TV! It seems like an ideal world to go back to, away from ITC’s training and induction, away from the decent paychecks I am getting, away from the trouble of coping up with the tantrums of certain someone. I think I shall get to be a kid once again-when I become a father! But that is some distance away man.

Maktub!

I have thought of writing a blog in the past also. But it always ended sooner than it began. The initial euphoria was always hard to sustain. I don’t know why. Every time I start again, I think, this is it. This time will be different. Let’s see.

Another common thread running through my various attempts has been the fact that it’s always been somebody else who made me want to write something or do something. It was Nitin Kochhar and Bhaskar Rana during my IIFT sojourn who made me want to write a blog for the first time. And it is Abhinav Jain, a fellow ITCian, who is inspiring me now. Sometimes I think it’s wrong to do something just because somebody else is doing. We’re not doing things for the right reason in that case which is bad.

If I extrapolate this urge to start writing a blog onto the bigger canvas of life, a lot of uncomfortable questions and truths pop out. Did I really want to do an MBA? Did I really want to give up CA? Did I really want to take up commodity trading as a career option? Did I really want to be in ITC or did I always want a bank or a financial services company? Do I really want to do a job? Didn’t I always want to be a businessman? Didn’t I always want to do my own thing?

Deep in my heart I know the answers to most of the above questions would be harsh truths for me to face. So why have I always compromised in life? And why have I always brushed the uncomfortable questions/realities under the carpet? Why have I always gone for ad hoc solutions? Why do I always do the agreeable thing? These are too many whys for my comfort and peace. I am already beginning to feel uneasy as I type this. Why do I always not confront the situation, go to the root of the problem and go for the correct alternative even if it is the unpleasant one?

Why have I never been able to make up my mind? Why did I first take up Science in class XI and shift to Commerce subsequently? Why did I write my CA foundation exam, do brilliantly in that and then give it up for a MBA degree when after looking at other CAs I always regret? Why was I even ready to take up a marketing job during college placements should the worst case scenario come true? Why did I always try to take the path of least resistance and the path which was most likely to succeed?

In fact if I am not wrong this is the first time that I am even accepting that the problem exists. This is the first time I am ready to face the fact that I have always gone for the short cut, always gone for the less risky, always gone against the voice of my heart. Why do I do it? Why am I always unprepared to take seemingly big risks? Why am I always so scared about the uncertain? Why do I seek certainty? Why am I what I am?

I think I have rarely been honest with myself. I have rarely been honest enough to face unpleasant facts. I have rarely had the gumption to take the path less taken. I have rarely had the courage to face the consequences. I have always been scared. Fear of the unknown, fear of the uncertain, fear of somebody else’s reactions has always guided my actions. I think I have always done or desisted from doing something because somebody else may or may not want it that way. I have never really tried to listen to my heart. I have never been strong enough to take a risky decision, never had the balls to back myself, the feelings of my heart! Do I really have a mind of my own?

I pray to god to give me the strength to continue this.

Hell, but why did I ever start writing this???

written in July 2006