Maktub!

I have thought of writing a blog in the past also. But it always ended sooner than it began. The initial euphoria was always hard to sustain. I don’t know why. Every time I start again, I think, this is it. This time will be different. Let’s see.

Another common thread running through my various attempts has been the fact that it’s always been somebody else who made me want to write something or do something. It was Nitin Kochhar and Bhaskar Rana during my IIFT sojourn who made me want to write a blog for the first time. And it is Abhinav Jain, a fellow ITCian, who is inspiring me now. Sometimes I think it’s wrong to do something just because somebody else is doing. We’re not doing things for the right reason in that case which is bad.

If I extrapolate this urge to start writing a blog onto the bigger canvas of life, a lot of uncomfortable questions and truths pop out. Did I really want to do an MBA? Did I really want to give up CA? Did I really want to take up commodity trading as a career option? Did I really want to be in ITC or did I always want a bank or a financial services company? Do I really want to do a job? Didn’t I always want to be a businessman? Didn’t I always want to do my own thing?

Deep in my heart I know the answers to most of the above questions would be harsh truths for me to face. So why have I always compromised in life? And why have I always brushed the uncomfortable questions/realities under the carpet? Why have I always gone for ad hoc solutions? Why do I always do the agreeable thing? These are too many whys for my comfort and peace. I am already beginning to feel uneasy as I type this. Why do I always not confront the situation, go to the root of the problem and go for the correct alternative even if it is the unpleasant one?

Why have I never been able to make up my mind? Why did I first take up Science in class XI and shift to Commerce subsequently? Why did I write my CA foundation exam, do brilliantly in that and then give it up for a MBA degree when after looking at other CAs I always regret? Why was I even ready to take up a marketing job during college placements should the worst case scenario come true? Why did I always try to take the path of least resistance and the path which was most likely to succeed?

In fact if I am not wrong this is the first time that I am even accepting that the problem exists. This is the first time I am ready to face the fact that I have always gone for the short cut, always gone for the less risky, always gone against the voice of my heart. Why do I do it? Why am I always unprepared to take seemingly big risks? Why am I always so scared about the uncertain? Why do I seek certainty? Why am I what I am?

I think I have rarely been honest with myself. I have rarely been honest enough to face unpleasant facts. I have rarely had the gumption to take the path less taken. I have rarely had the courage to face the consequences. I have always been scared. Fear of the unknown, fear of the uncertain, fear of somebody else’s reactions has always guided my actions. I think I have always done or desisted from doing something because somebody else may or may not want it that way. I have never really tried to listen to my heart. I have never been strong enough to take a risky decision, never had the balls to back myself, the feelings of my heart! Do I really have a mind of my own?

I pray to god to give me the strength to continue this.

Hell, but why did I ever start writing this???

written in July 2006